Hurt

I Am Adopted: Why The Role Of A Father Makes A Difference 

/ J. Scott Samarco / 1 Comment

Throughout my life, I’ve felt the ups and downs of life. What I mean by this, I have felt what it is like to be loved, and I have felt what it is like to be hated. The hatred that I felt may have been my perspective, but it was real.

I want to invite you into a reality that I faced growing up and the reality many others have faced and are facing. This post is quite lengthy, but I guarantee you will not regret reading.

As a young kid in his teens, I faced emotional abuse.

To be transparent, it was my earthly dad who did all of the emotional abusing. As a young teenager, he shared words with me that you do not say to another human being let alone your own son. Hearing such demeaning and life sucking words created in my life fear, insecurity, a lack of confidence and a false belief in my identity.

I began to believe in the words I was hearing. Often as a teen and even as a kid I would hear, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words would never hurt.” Whoever created this rhyme and words I would like to meet them face to face and share some choice words with them (kidding but not kidding).

Words do hurt. Words are painful. When a kid, a teenager should be experiencing words of encouragement, words of love, words of comfort, words of affirmation but instead receives the opposite this creates voids, holes, and gaps.

For me, my heart sank each time I would hear such words. I remember my heart breaking over and over again. Early on when the heartbreaking words were said to me, I would share some choice words back, and that led to more harsh words being said back to me. Eventually, I would do my best to fight off and ignore the words I was hearing. I would stop saying words back, and this led to my heart becoming numb.

What I continue to see:

Now, at the age of 28, I work with a lot of inner-city teenagers. Many of these teenagers are facing and have faced the battle I faced as a teenager. Many do not have a dad in their home let alone in their life. Some do have a dad around and like me, their dad share words that are not helping and only hurting.

A Father, the role of a male figure in the home and a child’s life is so important. Sometimes I do not think dads understand how much of their presence, positivity, care, and words can affect their child’s life. If they did, maybe they would learn to become the type of Father they need to be.

I have shared my emotional abuse that I faced with others, the disconnect of not having a loving and comforting Father and I realized I am not alone. I’ve come to learn that all people have issues, baggage, deal with life’s experiences and tragedies in different ways. How a Father deals with life will either have a positive or negative effect on their child’s life.

I want to share with you some mind-blowing statistics about kids that grow up with an absent Father:

1. 5 times the average suicide rate:
2. Dramatically increased rates of depression and anxiety:
3. 32 times the average rate of incarceration:
4. Decreased education levels and increased drop-out rates:
5. Consistently lower average income levels:
6. Lower job security:
7. Increased rates of divorce and relationship issues:
8. Substantially increased rates of substance abuse:
9. Increases in social and mental behavioral issues:

(These stats along with the full article can be found here: https://thefathercode.com/the-9-devastating-effects-of-the-absent-father/ )

Now that we know all of this information, what does a person do to overcome the emotional abuse, the lack of love from a Father and the absence of a Father?

First and probably the most important step is to forgive. As a young adult in college, I found myself on my dorm room floor crying. I was crying because I was reliving and remembering all of the words that were said to me from my dad during my childhood and teenage years. Through the pain, hurt and tears I came to a place where I knew in order to move forward from the pain, I had to let go and forgive.

I’ve learned that the longer I held on to the pain the longer I would stay in prison. Unforgiveness, carrying hate and anger is like being locked in a prison and drinking poison. You slowly begin to die inside and I was tired of dying. Maybe you are too…

Let us turn to the Gospel! Stay with me. Something good is about to be shared:

Then there came Romans 8:14-17

“For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and joint-heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together.”

I was suffering internally. Like most with an absent dad or a dad that was emotionally abusive, I needed love, comfort and to be uplifted. I needed to believe I had a purpose, and that there was a Father that loved me for being me.

At age 17, when all felt lost and like the world was crashing down on me there was God. A Heavenly Father that opened up His arms to me, who looked at me with splendor and said, “come, my son, let me be your Abba Father, let me be your Daddy God.”

Up until 17, I called my earthly dad, “daddy” but I now had a Heavenly Father that wanted to replace all of my evil thoughts toward my earthly dad and begin to experience the unconditional love of my new Daddy!

So many people that deal with “daddy issues” view their Heavenly Father through the same lens as they do their earthly dad. I am here to share with you; our Daddy God wants to show you what real love is like. Our Daddy God wants to pour into your life and build you up. Our Daddy God wants to heal your heart and help you overcome your pain. Our Daddy God wants you to forgive your earthly dad. Our Daddy God wants to set you free from your past so that you can move on with your life.

To move forward, you have to confess the anger that is in your heart. You have to forgive. Forgiveness starts with your acknowledgment of your pain and hatred.

Pray this prayer aloud:

Daddy God.

It is me. Your child. For so many years I have been carrying around this heavy weight in my heart. I realized today; I cannot move forward with hatred in my heart. Daddy God, I am asking You to perform surgery on my heart. I know it may take me a while to get over the absence of my earthly dad and all of the pain that he created for my life, but I am ready to move along with my life. Will you become my Daddy God? Will you show me what a real Father is like? Will you help me release all of the pain and will you fill my heart with unconditional love?

I am your child. You have adopted me. I am called to be the light of the world. I am a part of Your chosen generation. Give me purpose. Give my life meaning. Help me see others the way You see me. Help me love unconditionally like the way You love me.

I leave everything in Your hands, trusting You know what to do with my life, my mind, my spirit and my soul. I am Yours, and You are mine, and together, we are going to be just fine.

Thank You for loving me, Daddy God.

Thank you for holding me in Your arms.

P.S. I pray the love of the Heavenly Father meets you right where you are reading this. Just know you are not alone and God can do a major work in your life. He did it for me and He can do it for you.

God bless you. I love you. Please share this with others and pray for all those that are hurt from their earthy dads.

The Voice of the Restless

/ J. Scott Samarco / 1 Comment

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From the streets of America a voice cries out. A young kid is on their streets running around thinking, “is this what life is all about?” Destruction, murder, slander, division, hatred, anger are only a portion of words our nation is faced with. For decades and for generations there has been the cry and plea for justice. People wanting to be treated equally. People wanting the same respect as the next man and woman. In the heart of our urban cities there lies a lot of unheard voices. Whether it be troublesome youth, uneducated men and women, the poor, under privileged, under developed, under resourced, great grandmas and grandpas reliving out the 60’s again, these are the voices of inner city America.

The root of the matter is a system of people who misused their power, voice, minds and hands. A system that has destroyed a nation and a people for generations. Tracing back to America’s roots were a group of people coming from Europe to a new found land. A people who were being mistreated by the great Britain. A people who claimed to have great Christian values. Their cry at the time was to serve their God freely. But what happened to the good intentions of starting over? Of being free? Where did their hearts grow wrong?

Greed, selfish desires, wrong use of power, manipulation, building empires, mistreating people, taking what is not theirs, murder, drunkenness, poor communication, no communication and a dominant yet excessive mentality to build by force. To use groups of people (mainly blacks) to build a land that was not theirs in the first place. So where did it all go wrong? It was wrong when Europeans were still in Europe. It was wrong when they arrive to a new land. It was wrong when they forced the natives out of their land. It was wrong when they began slave trades. It was wrong when they began to murder. It has always been wrong.

But these are America’s roots. Here we are in 2015 and we are still asking the same questions we’ve been asking. Why are we so divided? Why is our nation still racists? Why are so many people upset, mad and angry? Why are a group of people still being treated as 1/3rd of a person? Looked down upon as animals? Why does it seem like their lives do not matter? Why is the justice system not fighting with them and for them?

These are not easy questions to answer but our people deserve some answers. Therefore, we see an uproar of the restless. A generation that says, “injustice, bad treatment is not going to continue to happen on our watch without doing something about it.” I certainly do not condone violence but I do see why certain individuals are rioting. It’s being done out of anger, out of hurt, out of rage and out of pain. I deeply hurt to sit by and watch this take place.

I likened the riots to a child who’s father that has been in and out of his child’s life. Mistreating their child, abusing them, running over, degrading them, not listening, telling them what to do and not do. One day that child will grow into a teenager and then into an adult. The once young child is going to stand up, speak up and act out against their father. They will not be able to take the treatment from their father.

America, these are your children. What you are seeing is years, decades and centuries of voices speaking out. Some in good ways and others in not so good ways.

I want to close this writing with a paragraph of writing from Dr. Martin Luther King. I broke it up into two paragraphs. I believe his writings sheds light on what’s happening today in America. He says from his speech, “The Other America:”

“Now I wanted to say something about the fact that we have lived over these last two or three summers with agony and we have seen our cities going up in flames. And I would be the first to say that I am still committed to militant, powerful, massive, non­-violence as the most potent weapon in grappling with the problem from a direct action point of view. I’m absolutely convinced that a riot merely intensifies the fears of the white community while relieving the guilt. And I feel that we must always work with an effective, powerful weapon and method that brings about tangible results.

But it is not enough for me to stand before you tonight and condemn riots. It would be morally irresponsible for me to do that without, at the same time, condemning the contingent, intolerable conditions that exist in our society. These conditions are the things that cause individuals to feel that they have no other alternative than to engage in violent rebellions to get attention. And I must say tonight that a riot is the language of the unheard. And what is it America has failed to hear? It has failed to hear that the plight of the negro poor has worsened over the last twelve or fifteen years. It has failed to hear that the promises of freedom and justice have not been met. And it has failed to hear that large segments of white society are more concerned about tranquility and the status quo than about justice and humanity.”

– Dr. Martin Luther King 1967

No matter if you are black, white, hispanic, latino, jew or greek, everyone has to do a better job at racial reconciliation. We all have a role to play in this. Everyone has to own up and take responsibility. We have to do a better job at being proactive in our relationships. We need more people in positions of power with the hearts of peace, justice and hope. We need people that can build our inner cities. We need people that will listen. We need strategic planning. We need action. We need people to come together and not divide apart. We need faith. We need prayer. We need God. Most importantly… America, we need answers…

P.S. Here is the link to Dr. King’s full speech: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3H978KlR20

Please feel free to share your thoughts. Any inappropriate comments will be deleted. Please be respectful in your responses. I do understand this is a tough subject matter and has caused a lot of different emotions. Thank you.