Josh Samarco

Ahhhhh these voices keep screaming at me! Not sure why but they do. I’m sitting here questioning, is this you? No, this is me. An internal battle. You versus me. You versus we. We, as in my internal being. My internal you. See, you… You don’t really know me but some how I give you a voice. A voice in my head. A voice in my life. A voice into my heart. A voice into my soul. A voice into my spirit. Why do I listen? Why do I give you the time? You are not encouraging me. You tell me I am not smart enough. You tell me I am not worth it. You tell me not to chase my dreams. You tell me to give up my hope. You tell me to stop chasing greatness. You tell me to give up. The sad reality is, I listen to you. I let you hang out too long. After you stay a while and I finally decide to welcome you out, by the time you leave I’m left feeling down. Down because of our conversation. Down because of our relation. The relationship that should never be.

But you… I mean we, we are no good for each other. Somehow I have to let you go. Somehow I have to find a way to not let you back in. Somehow I have to keep the door closed. I have to keep you from getting inside. I have to get you outside. Maybe the outside is better for you. I may still hear your voice. Though you may yell and scream, you will be on the outside. You will no longer be in anymore. I have to be okay with this. You are no longer welcome in my door. Would you please excuse yourself? Thank you!

Wait a minute… There’s this other voice I hear. There’s this other voice I know. It doesn’t scream. In fact, this voice… this voice is soothing. This voice can get aggressive at times but it’s a gentle aggression. It challenges me to do better, to be better. This voice I know I should listen to. You can do this. You are more than your past. You are better than yesterday. You are strong. You are confident. You got what it takes. I believe in you. Words like this are affirming to me. This voice I want to believe. Can I hear more of you? I wonder if this voice would love to have complete control… It seems as if this voice can lead me in a great direction. This voice has my best interest at heart. Internally I know this. Will I give up my self pride? Will I let go of my control and follow this voice?

Externally I am too needy when I listen to the first voice. Internally I bleed when I listen to the second voice. With the first voice my need becomes all about me. With the second voice my bleeding is a result of the blood shed. It is the bleeding I need to be reminded of. The needing I need to be dependent on. It is the voice I need to follow. The voice that has been given to me as a gift.

Voices… I have to decipher this one. Which one is greater? Which one needs to be greater in my life? This I need to know. For now, I will battle with my internal voices… I will let them fight. I will fight. I will listen. I will act. I will live. I will decide. I will be. I will not give up and neither will you. Voices…